Try harder

Really… I’m so bloody bad at keeping myself away from… thoughts….

This is my daily routine.
I wake up, shower, change and out.
I lost touch with my house.
Or rather, Im afraid to stay home.

When all you hear is the music in your playlist, the trams, the keyboard and your own breathing, you tend to drift away from these very usual but non-personal noises. You start to think of things that you don’t wanna think about and feelings that you don’t wanna feel. Before you know it, your eyes well up with tears.

What do you do then??

how do you stop the tears from falling, stop your mind from thinking and stop your emotions from overpowering?

You try cooking. You always like to cook. Chinese food is your favourite. You like a hearty breakfast and food are everyone’s best friend… really.Taiwanese lunch bento, big breakfast, pancakes, noodles….The movie ‘julie and julia’ says that no matter what happens or how terrible your day has been, you can always find comfort in cooking but it never fails you.

It doesnt work. They can only keep you occupy for so long.

You try taking pictures. oooo… the pleasure. When you hold a camera, there is always a sense of pride. you look into the viewfinder and find amusement in every single thing. You are able to notice details on the road that you’ve never noticed while walking. cameras are good companion.

But it doesnt work as well. you cant process the photos that you have taken and it cant keep you occupied everyday.

You try what you do best. Hiding under your blanket and let every emotions overwhelm you. You believe that once the lights went off and it is just you under the blanket, you can feel whatever you wanna feel and cry as much as you like. It will stay in that small little room, on that small little bed. Once you get out of if, you will be a whole new fresh person.

But it didnt turn out to be that way. In fact, its making it worse… in ways that I cant explain (for now).

You try to study. Books never fail you. You have always been rather good at it.

You try… but nothing goes into that disappointing mind that is always pre-occupied with thoughts that do you no good.

Then, you find comfort in your friends. One thing that you are proud of and has always been are the fact that you have with you real good friends. Friends that criticize you on your face, laugh at you when you fall down, make you pour your own water and make your own food in their house, agree that you look ridiculous sometimes and hug you whenever you needed one.

They have been the best but i know i shouldnt find them all the time for comfort.

I need to find a way.

I need to feel really happy and excited when something good happens.

No Comments Yet

No comments yet.

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI